Please forgive me in advance for this angry rant that you are about to read.  I am angry as hell, and my Xanax hasn’t had time to kick in.  If you can’t take profanity, I suggest you stop reading at this point.

We had a “well-baby” visit this morning with Gracyn’s pediatrician.  This pediatrician is a man that I selected from a long list of doctors after doing LOTS of careful research on doctors in the area and their stance on vaccines.

As most of you know, I am a parent of a child with autism. 

There is a very divided line in the autism community on what may or may not contribute to autism in our children. 

On one side of the debate, there are the parents (like me) who believe that there are genetic factors in our children that predispose them to developing “autism” when they are exposed to certain environmental toxins.  In my son’s case, I  believe now more than ever that he was born with a predisposition to “autism” and gradually got worse because of his adverse reactions to some of his early childhood vaccines.

Then you have the other set of parents who believe that “autism” is NOT caused by vaccines, and that their children were born with the condition….and no environmental factor has had an effect on their children.

Both sides will fight each other to death over what does and does not cause “autism.”

I put “autism” in quotations because I don’t believe that many of the children diagnosed with “autism” today have TRUE autism as was discovered by Leo Kanner in 1943.  Which I might add…..autism wasn’t discovered until AFTER they started pushing vaccinations on everyone.  It was a very rare disorder and a doctor could practice for his entire career without ever having seen one single case of autism. Look it up if you don’t believe me.  There is a lot of coincidence there.

I’m not an idiot.  I’m also not the type of person that just blindly does what everyone else is doing.  I’m a college-educated, middle-upper class white woman who is a generally nice person until you start meddling with my husband, my children or my money…. and my children in particular.

I am well-read in the subject of autism.  I have read nearly every SINGLE book on autism or on vaccines and I have a PhD in Googleology.  I have spent countless hours researching, reading, writing and trying to search for an answer to autism and a cure for my son.  There isn’t an answer….and there isn’t a cure.  If there were, I would have found it already. 

People often come to me and ask me what they should do as far as vaccines go….should they or shouldn’t they?  They will come to me and ask me if I think their son or daughter might be exhibiting some of the signs of early autism…..

Listen, I’m not a doctor.  I don’t pretend to be, and I don’t have the ability to answer all of the questions that people often ask me.  I always tell them the same thing…..do your research.  As a parent, you have to do your research.  What is good for one parent and one child, isn’t good for another.  Everyone is different. Every child is different.

In all of my desperate research, I have concluded that what is best for me and what is best for my children is to NOT vaccinate at all or to vaccinate in an alternate schedule. 

Because my son reacted so badly to his early vaccines, he now has medical exemption from them.  My child had seziures….and a very high fever after a round of vaccines….but no doctor could tell me which one he reacted to because he had so damn many of them at one time.

I’m not having my daughter go though the same thing.  IF she has her vaccines, it will be when I SAY she can have them….and they will  be spaced out AFTER she is at least six months old. 

I thought I had found a doctor who would understand my views, and LISTEN to my concerns.

Nope.

This egotistical prick with a God complex proceeds to threaten me passive-aggressively by saying that SOME doctors report their patients to DHR when they refuse vaccines because they see it as a form of child abuse.  He also tells me that getting completely vaccinated is like driving a top-of-the -line SUV…..and if I don’t want to drive the top-of-the-line SUV….then I can drive a used sedan and surely nobody would fault me for it.  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?????

This stupid excuse for a human being just basically called me an idiot because I don’t agree with his “shoot ‘em up” policy.

Then, he tells me that if Gracyn were to get a fever of unknown origin, that they would have to hospitalize her and do all kinds of tests including spinal taps to try and determine what could be causing it…..all because her mama chose to drive the used sedan….

Scare tatics.

Ladies and gentlemen, my jaw dropped open.  I could not believe the amount of complete shit that was coming out of this supposedly educated man who told me in the very beginning that vaccines were a parent’s choice and they would go along with whatever I wanted to do.

“Why is it that you are so concerned about vaccines?” Dr. Asshole says to me….

To which I say….

“My son has autism”

“Mmmmmhmmmm” he says VERY condescendingly.

“Well,” he continued “Autism is devastating for whole families indeed. If you’ve ever been around a family with an autistic child you realize just how difficult their lives can be.”

NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!

Here I am…..in a doctor’s office that I had carefully chosen…..and he doesn’t even REMEMBER me…..doesn’t remember that my son has autism….doesn’t remember my daughter…..and doesn’t remember the conversation I first had with him about vaccines and how I needed to be super careful with the baby!

I kept my eyes focused on my daughter and I didn’t look at him.  His mere presence made me sick.  It was all I could do to keep my composure and not jump over on top of him and claw his damn eyes out.

All of my hope was gone.  This man is not only a poor pediatrician, but a liar and a fear mongering jackass…..all wrapped up in the disguise of being a “Christian.”

He was also the only doctor in town that takes our insurance. 

Nice.

I’m back at square one.  If my daughter gets a cold, I can’t take her back there without killing that man.  I can’t take her to the ER because our copay is $250. I have to find her another doctor…..and quickly.

Another autism mom told me about this guy, and I ended up choosing him anyway because Dr. Asshole’s website says that they will work with parents on the right vaccination plan.  I should have listened to her.

My husband and I both just got the DTaP booster because we want to protect Gracyn from Whooping Cough, which has recently made a comeback.  Since my son CAN’T get the DTaP, we are worried about him and about him possibly bringing it home from school…..but there isn’t anything we can do about that right now.  We just have to pray about it and wash our hands until they bleed and spray Lysol…..and not take her out in public until she is able to get the vaccine.  That is my only line of defense at this time.

I did NOT expect to be assaulted by that holier-than-thou jackass doctor today.  My guard was down, and he took full advantage.  I’m NEVER letting that happen again.  Angry mom is back in full force…..only I’m angrier.

This is what it’s like on the other side.  This is what it’s like to be the parent of a child with “autism.”  This is what it’s like to live in fear and worry for your children.  This is how doctors treat us. 

Do you get bullied and threatened into giving your child something that MAY cause you to lose them to autism?  Or do you bite the bullet and refuse the vaccines with the fear and worry that they will end up suffering in the hospital with a disease that could have been prevented with a vaccine?

And don’t tell me about “all of the studies” that have been done that prove that vaccines don’t cause autism.  That is complete bullshit.  The studies that HAVE been done as far as vaccines are concerned are funded by the VERY PEOPLE and COMPANIES that manufacture the vaccines.  They have no scientific credibility because of the conflict of interest……research that if you don’t believe me. It’s a fact.

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate?

What is worse?

I’m damned if I do…..and damned if I don’t. 

There is no answer.

Welcome to my pain.

I hope to God I don’t see that doctor in public. 

If I do, I’ll be blogging from prison.

The economy is bad. Especially in this household. I’ve been dodging the issue of finances because I’ve been in a baby haze for the last month as my newborn deprives me of much-needed sleep.

She’s so stinking cute though, I forgive her.

We’ve cut back on almost everything from cell phones to cable television to name-brand junk food.

On the chopping block this month: Our 2008 Hyundai Accent.

I called Hyundai Finance to see if there might be any programs we might qualify for since I lost my job and have been drawing unemployment for a few months. Nope. No help from Hyundai…..they want their money and they want it now.

Too bad I don’t have it to give them.

So, the car goes back to the dealership in a “Voluntary repossession” and I get a bad mark on my credit. Not too worried about it though….I filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy last year so my credit rating is already down the toilet for the next 10 years. I’m not embarrassed about it at all, and I will talk about it to anyone who asks me. You do what you have to do. The economy sucks, I lost my job and I just had a baby. You can’t bleed a turnip. The only thing that stinks about it is that I will still owe money on a car I no longer have.

I’m not the only one in this position, and with Christmas knocking on my door….I can’t help but think about how things are going to be different in a lot of ways for everyone this year.

I keep thinking of ways to economize and I’m trying and figure out how in the world I’m going to do Christmas shopping for THREE children this year when we have ZERO disposable income. I started looking back in the pages of history, and I think I may have found my answer….

I am a HUGE fan of the Foxfire books. If you haven’t heard of them, you should definitely look them up online. The Foxfire books detail the life and times of the people of Appalachia in the depression era and earlier. Those mountain folks MADE nearly everything they needed and lived off of the land. They didn’t know they were “poor” and they didn’t care …..they liked it that way. It was a simpler time…back before iPods and GPS and orange spray-tanned Hoochie Mamas on cable television. Hell, most of those mountain people didn’t have electricity or running water. But they had family and they had God. They also had knowledge handed down to them from generations long ago about things like how to plant the right crops, how to make medicine from plants and how to prepare and store meat and vegetables for the long winter months.

I can’t give my children brand new iPads or roller skates or any of the “must have” toys of the year. But I can give them some homemade things like knitted dolls, socks and cookies. I might even throw in a new toy or two, but it isn’t going to be top of the line. This might be an excellent time to teach them to appreciate things, and to learn that money isn’t everything. Money, in fact, is a destroyer. No matter how much you have, you still think you need more ….Money damages relationships and makes otherwise normal people act like spoiled brats. My father told me once that “Money is the root of all evil” I believe that…..I guess I would probably believe it less if I had more of it!

Anyway, wish me luck this Christmas season as I attempt to teach the children a valuable lesson. We are starting a new Christmas tradition this year, and each child will be receiving 4 things:

Something you want

Something you need

Something to wear

Something to read

I’m sure Santa will bring them a few small things for their stockings, but from dear old Mom/Stepmom and Dad/Stepdad …we are economizing and trying to focus on the true meaning of Christmas….not the over commercialized-Mom-I’ll-die-if-Santa-doesn’t-bring-me-an-XBOX way of doing things.

In fact, I don’t want to go down that road ever again. I love giving gifts for Christmas….but I’ve always hated running around spending insane amounts of money on things that will end up in the bottom of the closet come February.

Maybe these lean times will help all of us realize that we’ve been going down the wrong path for a long time. Maybe it will permanently change the way we think about Christmas, and help us to enjoy the holiday even more and be grateful for the things in life that we do have…..family, friends and a Savior who loves us enough to bless us with the gift of Eternal life if we only ask Him.

We have many, many blessings in our lives right now….we have a wonderful marriage, a beautiful baby, good health, a beautiful home, food on the table and a wonderful extended family.

We are just as happy and blessed in this day and age as the folks in the Foxfire books.

It’s beginning to look a lot like an 1800′s Christmas……

Now, I need to hurry up and get started knitting…..

She’s a little angel who sleeps well, cuddles like a pro and drinks liquids like her daddy……she guzzles a bottle down in minutes and burps and farts like an old man.

We had a slight run-in with jaundice when we first brought her home that had me worried to death…..the day we found out she had jaundice was the day the Danish study was released linking jaundice and autism.

As if I didn’t already have enough to worry about.

We stripped her down and put her in the sun frequently….and let me say that the little diva already knows how to sunbathe.  As soon as she hit the sun, her arms went above her head and she stretched her little legs out….and fell asleep.

A visit to the lactation consultant at the hospital revealed that because of my blood type and an enzyme in my breastmilk, I am unable to breastfeed without formula supplementation.  I have a lot of Native American blood, and apparently it’s pretty common to have this particular enzyme that prevents the baby from getting rid of the jaundice.  My mother had it, and was unable to breastfeed me…..and other members of my family have it….so I have it, too.  My son had a terrible case of jaundice as a newborn, and his pediatrician never jumped on it, so I wonder if his little body has some damage from the jaundice that he had all those years ago.  We will probably never know, but I didn’t breastfeed him very long either.  I guess it was mother’s intuition……or the fact that I was very young when I had him and not very determined to breastfeed.

Anyway, we’ve been watching my daughter like a hawk.  When you have a child with autism, their siblings have a greater chance of having autism as well.  My son is from my previous marriage, so there are different DNA factors…..but I’m still worried.  The good thing about my daughter is that she is very interactive….she looks at my face when I’m feeding her.  She searches my face, and she turns her head when her daddy talks to her….which is something that my son never did.

Now that I have another baby, the memories of my son’s newborn days are coming back to me and I am able to make the distinction between the two.  I am beginning to see that my son had all the signs of autism from birth….and that all of the vaccines and environmental factors seemed to make him worse and worse.  Maybe he would have had Asperger’s (a mild form of autism) if his immune system had not been assaulted from such an early age……

Anyway, my son is wonderful and as I’ve said many times before….I wouldn’t change him for the world….I would just make his life easier to live.  He is a WONDERFUL big brother.  He gives my daughter more kisses than I’ve ever gotten from him….and that is a miracle!

As for me, I only gained 15 lbs during this pregnancy….and it was almost ALL baby and fluid.  I am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight and fitting into all of my old clothes….which is something I couldn’t do after I had my son.  I gained 70 lbs with him!  I can’t believe I’m actually thinner now than I was before I got pregnant….now I just have to keep it off!

Another way that I am blessed is that my husband is a wonderful daddy…he holds her and talks to her….and he does the middle of the night diaper changes and feedings so that I can catch a few winks.  It warms my heart to see him holding her in his big arms and being so gentle with our little bundle. I’ve fallen in love with him all over again!

Thanks to Mimi, my hubby and I still get mommy and daddy time….even if it just consists of nap/cuddle time together.  We are just so blessed to have her with us……just knowing that she is downstairs is such a comfort.

So….it’s a great report for the first week postpartum.  We are so blessed to have such a sweet little girl in our lives.  She truly is our little miracle.  We are thankful every single day that God has blessed us with her after our devestating loss last September.

My beautiful daughter was born at 3:45pm on October 6th, 2010. 

I had no epidural.

I had pitocin

That is NOT the way I wanted to do things.

Never again will I blog about how much I hate something…..or how I’m NEVER going to do this or that…

Wait a minute…..I take that back. 

I will NEVER say NEVER again!  How bout that?

Our interesting birth story began last Tuesday when I began coughing so hard that my water broke.  They did a litmus test on me at my doctor’s office and it was inconclusive, so they sent me back home.  I was pissed.  When they do a litmus test to check for amniotic fluid, the test strip turns blue.  My husband watched as the test strip turned blue…..but apparently, it wasn’t blue enough to convince Dr. L that my water was leaking.

I know what urine is, and I know what it looks like…..  I’m a coffee drinker.  The liquid that ended up all over my bathroom floor that morning was not urine…..not by ANY stretch of the imagination.

Anyway…..we called the doula and labored at home for a while.  I was getting sporadic contractions and they weren’t really getting stronger.  My doula walked me around the neighborhood, had me going up and down stairs…..bouncing on a birthing ball and trying various positions to get me going into labor naturally.   Nothing was progressing, and we were on a time clock……you must deliver within 24 hours of your water breaking or risk an infection.

I knew that my water had broken…..and after a night of trying everything to get further along in labor, we decided to throw in the towel and head to the hospital.  I knew my idea of natural childbirth was about to go right out the window.

When we got to the hospital, luckily enough….our regular doctor was the one on call.  Dr. M examined me and did another litmus test.  This time, it turned blue enough to get things going…….I was admitted and put on Pitocin to speed up labor.  I HATE Pitocin (see previous blog) however, after a couple of hours I still wasn’t progressing fast enough…..so they turned up the Pitocin and popped my water bag…..now instead of a slow leak, we had no more water in the amniotic sac and the baby’s head hit my cervix like a Mac truck.

I labored naturally for a little while before the strong Pitocin contractions got to much for me to bear…..and I asked for an epidural. 

Pitocin contractions are stronger, longer, closer together and a TON more painful than regular contractions…..so an epidural is quite necessary……unless you like torture.

I knew early on that an epidural may not be possible for me because I had a blood clotting problem earlier in the pregnancy….however it had gotten better, so I was cleared for an epidural and I wasn’t about to give birth naturally with hellish Pitocin contractions….no way, Jose.

Or so I thought.

When they ordered the epidural, they checked my blood pressure and found out it had dropped……a lot.  The contractions had gotten way too painful at that point, and I could barely breathe or think through them.  I’ve never been in that much pain before……EVER.

Pitocin with no epidural is the devil.

So….they said I couldn’t have an epidural until my blood pressure went back up and I had to have two bags of IV fluid before they could let me have any pain meds.

Too bad I was already in transition.

I went from 3 centimeters dilated to 7 centimeters dilated in less than 30 minutes.  And YES….it freaking hurt.  When I felt the nausea of transition, I KNEW I was about to push my baby out without an epidural. 

My doula told me to do what my body was telling me to do. 

I went from 7 centimeters to 9 centimeters within minutes and I felt the urge to push.  I pushed and felt the baby coming out!

There is NO WAY to describe what it feels like to have the urge to push.  If you’ve ever felt it, you know…..if you haven’t felt it…..you have no idea and will never know.  That’s all I can say.

The nurse used her fingers to push the rest of my cervix back from the baby’s head, and it felt soooooo good.  The next thing I remember is having lights come down from the ceiling and about 20 people appearing out of nowhere.  My wonderful doctor was already suited up and in position. 

I pushed and felt her head crown. I felt the stinging, burning “ring of fire” when the baby’s head crowns that everyone talks about…..but I tell ya, it didn’t hurt as bad as those contractions.  I even tore pretty bad….but that didn’t hurt as bad as those contractions, either.

I pushed again and felt her shoulders and body slide out.

When she came out, it was the best feeling in the whole wide world, and I’ve never felt such a release in my entire life.  All of my emotions were wrapped up in that one single moment, and when they put her on my chest, it was beyond anything I ever imagined. 

I held her for a moment while the doctor stitched me up. He used a local anesthetic…..and the needle STILL didn’t hurt as bad as those contractions.

I don’t remember every detail….but I know that pitocin-induced, no-pain-medication childbirth makes you do crazy things.  I ripped my IV out during delivery and I grabbed my husband’s hand so hard that I broke a capillary in his thumb.  I felt that there was some kind of conspiracy against me at some point because I had campaigned so hard for a natural childbirth in my birth plan and all during the pregnancy.  I thought maybe they didn’t order the epidural to teach me a lesson…..but they did order it….they just couldn’t give it to me. 

My entire labor lasted 4 hours.

I only pushed twice….and she came out

Dr. M told me that I showed those nurses a thing or two…..because no one gets to see a ’no epidural’ delivery anymore.  No one screams and moans and spins their heads around like Regan from “The Exorcist”   He made me feel good about the whole thing because at times there were low gutteral sounds coming out of me that I did not recognize …..and there was no comfort from the pain at all.  He said I was tough as nails. 

I don’t know about that…..I’m just glad it’s over, and I don’t have to ever do it again. 

My perfect little girl was totally worth all of the pain.

Now, it’s my husband’s turn to be in stirrups. 

Maybe he can do it with no pain meds?

Baby goes right here......when she decides to make her appearance:-)

I have been 3 centimeters dilated and 70% effaced for 3 weeks.  I was SUPER excited when the doctor told us to get our bags packed….and then a week later, I got excited again when the doctor told us to go on and make another appointment, even though he didn’t expect us to be back.  At this point, I’m pretty pissed off at the doctor.

In the past couple of weeks, I have been up more than one night in a row timing contractions.  Then, I realized how stupid that was and decided to start taking Benadryl to sleep through the damned things. 

Now, I am suffering through one of the worst colds I have ever had in my life and the only thing that keeps me pumped up is that I’m hoping that the next coughing fit I go into will help my water break!

At our last appointment, the doctor said she wanted to do a membrane sweep and that since I was so dilated I would be an excellent candidate for it to work.

I DON’T want a membrane sweep unless I go past 40 weeks…….They are offering me another one on Friday, and I am planning on refusing it.  I need a trump card just in case I go to 41 or 42 weeks…..and before they try and induce me, I need to be able to play the “let’s try the membrane sweep” trump card.

I REFUSE to be induced unless a medical emergency calls for it.  I was induced with my son, and I NEVER want to go through that again just for the sake of convenience.    I believe that my body will go into labor when my body and the baby is ready…..and I believe that any time you screw with nature….it is BAD for the baby.  Pitocin causes very strong contractions, and they can deprive the baby’s brain of oxygen.(see below)  It is too dangerous for me to consider unless it is necessary to hurry up and deliver the baby due to some kind of problem.

The last few weeks of pregnancy (for me) have been very tough.  I am absolutely miserable carrying around this gigantic bowling ball that I have come to love very dearly.  However, I will not sacrifice her safety and well-being for my own comfort.   Now that I have a severe cold that has had me bed-ridden for a good 3 days….I have realized that I need as much rest as I can possibly get before the big day. 

I am pushing this baby out without pitocin…..and without an epidural.  I am determined to do so.  I made this decision early on in this pregnancy, and my mind is not going to be changed unless something goes horribly wrong.  I will NOT compromise my baby’s health now that I’ve been down that road before and I know better. 

I do not know exactly what caused my son to have autism…..it could have been vaccines…..it is definitely part genetic….other than that, I don’t know.  If pitocin-induced labor had something to do with it…..and it could have, because a researcher HAS found an association between the two……then, I am not going to put my daughter through the same hell that my son has had to endure.  What if some forms of autism are caused by the baby’s brain not receiving enough oxygen during labor because of the pitocin-induced contractions that are longer and harder than natural contractions?  Wow….that was a mouthful! 

Obstetric medicine doesn’t have a good track record when it comes to labor and delivery.  Many medications that were used in the past were found to be deadly to both infants and mothers.  Even in the late 1990′s they realized that a labor-inducing drug called Cytotec was causing ruptured uteruses and infant death.  This was AFTER they had used it for many, many years.  If you want more of a scare….look up Thalidomide from the 1950′s.

Have they properly tested Pitocin?  or have they tested it just about as much as they tested Thalidomide?

What if Pitocin is causing problems with a certain subset of children?

I don’t trust it. 

I’m keeping my bowling ball for the time being, thank you very much. 

I’m ready to have this baby…..but this baby isn’t ready yet.  Maybe she will be ready tomorrow….or next week.

Until then….I’m going back to bed while I still can:-)

Here’s a little info on Pitocin……stuff they probably WON’T tell you……..

Pitocin

The following adverse reactions have been reported in the mother:

Excessive dosage or hypersensitivity to the drug may result in uterine hypertonicity, spasm, tetanic contraction, or rupture of the uterus.

The possibility of increased blood loss and afibrinogenemia should be kept in mind when administering the drug.

Severe water intoxication with convulsions and coma has occurred, associated with a slow oxytocin infusion over a 24-hour period. Maternal death due to oxytocin-induced water intoxication has been reported.

The following adverse reactions have been reported in the fetus or neonate:

Read more: http://www.drugs.com/sfx/pitocin-side-effects.html#ixzz14BUrIGB5

We are living the last few days in our duplex.  Boxes are stacked halfway to the ceiling in most rooms and everything that isn’t packed will be packed this weekend.  I’m a little sad to leave our little home that I’ve come to love so well.  I had great plans for this place and intended on being here more than a year.  But, our little bundle of joy and our older children deserve a home to live and play in….and have friends over….and I am so grateful that my mom is going to be living in her own apartment downstairs.  Just having her close by is going to be such a comfort to me.

Our little one is scheduled to arrive in a month or so, and I have so many things to get done before she is born. I’m also grateful that my sweet cousin and aunt are throwing me a baby shower this Sunday….It will be nice to have a little diversion in the middle of all of this packing and moving.

I can’t wait to be in a house again.  I can’t wait to do yardwork and garden once again….to put up Christmas lights, pull into a garage, grill burgers on the back deck and have family and friends over to dinner.  I can’t wait to get the baby’s room all decorated and ready to go…..and to get the house exactly the way that I want it.  I can’t wait to rock my little baby on the back deck while we watch the leaves fall……

Falling leaves…….football season…….pumpkins……cinnamon brooms…….and our little Gracyn all are coming soon…..

The season is almost here!!!

When I get over the initial attack, I get into my Bible and I instantly feel better.  I realize that God may be testing me, and that the attacks could be spiritual in nature.  I don’t think I’ve ever recovered from an attack without realizing that I’ve come out a better person on the other side.  God does not send us trials for no reason at all.  Everything has a purpose.  God is teaching us how to be stronger, how to handle misfortune and how to be better Christians.

God has sent me MANY, MANY trials……and throughout each and every one I have grown as a Christian and as a person.

There will ALWAYS be nasty, judgemental people who attack from every angle.  These people think they have all the answers and they don’t understand your life or the way you do things because they haven’t walked a mile in your shoes.

It helps me to forgive these people, just like Christ has forgiven me…..because I know that they couldn’t handle the hand that I’ve been dealt in life.  They aren’t strong enough.  They may NEVER be strong enough.

Instead of judging them, which I AM guilty of doing when I’m under attack…..I eventually realize my mistake and forgive them immediately.  “Father, Forgive them for they know not what they do”  – Luke 23:24  These were the words Christ used on the cross after He had been beaten and tortured.

It would do us all good to repeat these words and follow His example when we are being judged and attacked and abused by the world…..just like He was.

It also infuriates your enemies when you refuse to be angry or retaliate:-)

It’s easier to forgive knowing that it just makes them angrier…..

We get closer and closer to her birthday every single day…and I admit that I’m a little nervous.  I’m doing this without drugs and without  Pitocin.  I don’t know ANYONE who hasn’t been induced.  I’m not even sure if they let you go into natural labor anymore.  My plan is to labor at home (our new home) with our Doula, my mom, and Hunter.  I have arranged with Patrick’s dad that I will call when I go into serious labor and he will come and pick Patrick up for me.  We both agree that little Bean will not understand seeing me in so much pain.  I don’t want to traumatize him.

I’m hoping to labor as long as possible at home before transferring to the hospital. I’ll probably spend most of my time in the bathtub trying not to scream.

I keep having dreams about Gracyn, but they aren’t the kind  of dreams I’d expected.  For some reason, every single one of them has been about breastfeeding.  I desperately want to breastfeed.  I think about it all the time…even when I’m awake.  I guess it’s because I want to be a success at it this time around.

I didn’t give breastfeeding a good shot when Patrick was a newborn.  I was young and dumb, very impatient and immature. ….and I didn’t give it a chance.  I would give anything to go back in time and change that for Patrick’s sake.  He needed those nutrients for his brain development, and I didn’t provide it for him because I was too eager to just give him a bottle of formula.

I think a lot of things will be different with Gracyn.

I’m so afraid of autism, I don’t even know how I’m going to get through my hospital stay without making a ton of enemies.  I don’t trust doctors or nurses…..and I don’t trust hospital policies.  There are a set of my own rules that everyone is going to have to follow.  And I know I’m going to be a royal pain in the backside out of fear of them hurting my newborn baby girl.   First off, she will NOT be getting a Hep B shot, Vitamin K and she won’t be weighed and measured until I’ve held her first….and gotten a chance to bond with her.  They are not to take her out of Hunter’s sight…..he will follow her to the nursery to make sure they don’t give her any shots without my permission…..because I DON’T trust anyone.  She will NOT be getting a PKU test until later. If they don’t like it….it is a free damn country….and I will sign a release and take myself and my baby home.  I’m paying for THEIR services like I would pay a hotel….they are there to serve me….not to boss me around with their stupid ‘holier than thou’ attitudes.  If I have nice, understanding hospital staff….I won’t have to act ugly…..so we will see.

If I could birth her at home with a midwife, I would….but it is illegal in Alabama.  I’d thought about going to Georgia or Tennessee….but that is impractical.  I was surprised to read that a lot of Alabama mothers who want a natural birth actually DO find a place to have their babies in homes across state borders.  That is so sad. Birth is one of the most natural things the female human body can do…..and it is treated like a disease…..a dysfunction or illness that must be treated in a hospital.  It makes me sick.

The more I read about natural birth, the more I become de-programmed about what all has been taught to me about birth.  On TV, American women are taught that birth is horrible, painful and traumatic……and that without modern medicine, we would probably all die horrible deaths.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I’m reading “Ina May Gaskin’s Guide to Natural Childbirth” right now and I just got through with a chapter about orgasmic birth.  That REALLY threw me off.  Apparently, there are sensations felt during natural childbirth that are no doubt painful at times, but at other times……for some women……..some LUCKY women……something else happens.  I would never have thought of childbirth in that way, but everything all ties together and it would make sense that the same event that took place that helped create life would also be present at the same moment the life was delivered into the world.  Don’t expect there to be a blog about that one……some things are best kept a secret:-)

I’ve also made a decision about our older children……I think the best thing would be for both of them to meet the new baby once we all get home.  Patrick is terrified of hospitals….specifically elevators, and he wouldn’t like the situation at all.  And since Patrick can’t be there, it wouldn’t be fair for Aubie to be there either.  They are going to know their little sister for a long time…..a couple of days delay isn’t going to make much of a difference.

Hunter and I love our children, but really want this time to be between the two of us.  This is our moment with Gracyn….the life that God gave us, that He gave us the ability to create.  That is why her name is Gracyn……meaning “By the Grace of God”  – She is our little miracle baby….and we can’t wait to meet her!!!

Only 10 more weeks to go!!!!!!!

I cannot believe that I am officially a small business owner.  I don’t have a brick and mortar type business, but it’s heading that way quickly…..more quickly than I imagined!

If you Google ‘Bitzi Boutique’ …..it is the FIRST listing that pops up, and I am the only one:-)

“Content Copyright…All Rights Reserved”

Those are beautiful words!

It took a lot of courage to make the step….and I still can’t believe I’ve done it, because I’m not that great of a seamstress.  I’ve learned a lot so far, but I still have a LONG way to go.  Many of the dress patterns for Bitzi are simple, and easy enough for a beginner…..like me.   We don’t sell high-end, difficult-to-sew dresses made with specialty fabrics…..we sell lightweight cotton dresses that are easy-to-maintain, comfortable and COLORFUL.

I want these dresses to be FUN and exciting.  I want them to be something you can’t buy in any old store…..and I want them to LOOK like they came from an expensive boutique…..when they are handmade with love, at almost half the price you’d pay at the high dollar places.

We are living through a tough economy…..people are losing their jobs and many folks are struggling.  You shouldn’t have to shell out hard-earned money for overly expensive school clothes for little Suzy or Katie….when you can barely afford to put food on the table.  But I know that wearing something special can make you feel special……and even though times are tough, little Suzy and Katie can feel special wearing new clothes from Bitzi Boutique…..and no one has to know that Mom didn’t get the clothes from that specialty dress shop downtown.

I’ve tried many different things over the years to make some extra income……

I’ve done freelance writing (boring and too much work for too little turn-around)

I’ve been an artist and sold my paintings at various art walks and Ebay….I even had a Gallery showing once….(Not a great market around here for super-colorful abstract art…..many times, I didn’t break even because paint and canvas is so darn expensive…..AND Ebay is a total rip-off.)

I’ve been a soapmaker (YEARS ago)……I didn’t get too far with this one….I think I sold one bar.  Materials and packaging ended up costing me a small fortune.

With my new venture, I think I’ve finally found something that I enjoy doing….that doesn’t cost me an arm and leg in supplies…..its a good balance of work and turnaround…….and the MAIN reward for me is not the  money I’m making, but the happiness I feel when someone sends me a picture of their little ones wearing something that I have made just for them…..

The SMILE on people’s faces when they see the dresses I’ve made them……is worth more to me than anything else.

With Bitzi Boutique, I’m able to be creative with textures and colors (something I’ve learned as a graphic artist) ….I’m able to talk to people and connect (something I can do because of my degree in Journalism) …..and I’m able to work hard, set a deadline, carry out a plan and follow through with it……(all things I learned at Auburn University….how to work hard for something and enjoy the benefits of the hard work I’ve done.)

All of these things I can do while making tutus and dresses for people.  It is VERY rewarding to me.  And even though it isn’t fully functional at the moment, I am planning on making Bitzi Boutique a brand name of children’s clothing.  I have MANY bridges to cross before then, but so far….everything is chugging right along.

I have the blog up and running (with a small store linked to PayPal, so customers can buy what’s on sale at the moment)…..the Facebook site is doing well, and thanks to a great husband and wife team….the Bitzi Boutique website is going to be a reality in the next few months!

Once Gracyn arrives, Patrick gets back into school in the Fall…..and once we move to the new house and get settled in…..Bitzi Boutique will be 24-7…….and I can’t wait!

There is something about a dream……many people have them, but don’t follow them and they regret it for the rest of their lives.

I’ve got my dream….I just have to hold it close and not let go of it no matter what.

Blog Page:  http://bitziboutique.blogspot.com/

Facebook Site:  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Auburn-AL/Bitzi-Boutique/114717115236034?ref=search

Website (coming soon): www.bitziboutique.com

One minute, we’re up….up….up, and the next minute, we’re down….down…..down.  Lately, life has been quite a roller coaster for all of us!

We filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy last year to release us from a huge pile of debt that I accumulated after my divorce.   I had to use a couple of credit cards during that time to pay for Patrick’s medical bills, some utilities and groceries…..and things that I didn’t need but was too immature to realize it at the time.  Anyway,  a creditor of Hunter’s (an old credit card debt from his college days) broke right through that bankruptcy and found a way to ILLEGALLY garnish his wages.  We are waiting for a judge to issue a stop order, but the creditor and his scummy lawyer have been able to garnish 25% of Hunter’s paycheck…..without calculating his living expenses, child support payment, etc.  Also, we are a one income family at the moment with a baby on the way.  Needless to say, it’s been a HORRIBLE summer for us, but through it all we have found a way to pay our bills and make it with a little help from family…..and from the Lord above. When all of this is said and done…..we are planning on suing the crap out of the attorney that didn’t do his homework……and I want punative damages for pain and suffering.

On a happier note…….We have gotten our house!!!  Thank Goodness….no more duplex living for us!!  It would not have been possible without the help of my mom….who is going to live with us in the converted basement apartment.  Bills will be easier to handle and she has offered to help with the  baby so I can get a part time job and not have to pay for daycare.   Also, she won’t be so far away from me and I can take care of her if she is sick, or if she needs me.  I don’t have to worry about her anymore….which is a HUGE deal for me!

I am totally in love with this house….let me just say that right away.  It is in a wonderful neighborhood, and it feels like we live in the country.  The kids will have a HUGE backyard with lots of trees and a small creek in the back if they want to go “camp out”  one day….and the property actually backs up to NOTHING but trees….it is awesome.   The house has a large deck, that has been childproofed with a gate….so that we can sit in our rocking chairs and listen to the whipporwhills and not worry about Gracyn tumbling down the stairs.  Mom will have her own patio downstairs too, so she can sit outside whenever she wants, or she can come upstairs and hang out with us.

It has a big fireplace….which I’ve missed because every house I’ve ever lived in…. up until two years ago….had a fireplace….so I’m a bit spoiled in that department:-)

The master bedroom even has access to the deck….so if Hunter and I want to sit out together and look at the stars…..we can.  I just love it.

Also, we have friends in the neighborhood….and Patrick even has a few buddies there, too!  I can’t wait to hang out with my other stay-at-home mom buddies, join the PTA and do all the things with Patrick, Gracyn and Auburn that I haven’t been able to do for a long time.

More than anything else, the reason we are getting this house is not because of the big apartment downstairs for mom, the big backyard for the kids, a workshop for Hunter,  the fireplace for me or the deck for all of us……but for the doorlocks for Patrick.  I live in total fear that Patrick is going to figure out how to get out of the house as he gets older and wander away.  Everyday I read a story about a family that is going through the nightmare of looking for their missing autistic child.  It’s probably one of the reasons I don’t sleep well at night…..I’m afraid Patrick is going to wake up, unlock the door and wander away.  The doors in our new house lock from the inside with a key…..so there will be no way that Patrick can get out without a key.  I know that sounds terrible to some people, but it is a HUGE deal to me.

God has blessed me in every single way possible.  I know that I try and fight my own battles…..and times are tough when I’m in the thick of things and I can’t see the solution to a problem right away.  But God always blesses me….even though I am a sniffling, crying ball of misery that can’t see that he is trying to help me.

If God closes one door….he ALWAYS opens another for me.  I don’t know why my faith wavers so much…..because whenever I look back at any difficult situation that I’ve ever been through, God has always provided for me and for my family.  It is truly amazing.

So….here we go.  We are packing and getting ready to move.  I will be 34 weeks pregnant when all of this goes down, so it will be a struggle at times, but I don’t care.  I’m ready to be closer to my mama….have a nice place for my hardworking husband to come home to…..and to bring our new little baby home to a HOUSE…..full of love and family:-)

Thank you, Lord……for answering all of my prayers.